The Tale of a Broken Larynx

I was like Ariel. I had no voice. Like literally, had no voice. In a sneak attempt, my voice left for a day off and my larynx had felt like it was being crushed by some elephant from India.

My Mom thought I was being funny for not answering her, until I managed to shriek out that my voice was gone. She just laughed and left my room. I knew that this would be the quietest day of my life. So far.

You see. The thing is that I love talking. I can talk all the time and never stop. I’ve never liked silence, or been one to implore silence. It’s like a magical chasm that doesn’t interest me nor I wish to cross ever.

Still not buying my story?! Good. Cause there’s always something else hiding behind every tall tale.

I hate being left alone with my own thoughts. In a way, I’ve become the master of keeping my thoughts behind a wall of noise, never being able to hear them or even acknowledge them.

Me blogging, or venting, is just relieving some of the pressure building up behind that wall. But, all in all, I never wish to face the tsunami of thoughts bubbling behind that wall.

And so I was left without a voice. I didn’t panic at first. Surely I kept convincing myself that I would be okay, but we all know life has other plans.

Silence eventually caught up with me. Soon, my thoughts had begun spilling over and my oh-so-favourite banner of avoidance was not any resort for me. Keeping busy, didn’t help. Thoughts I had locked away came around haunting me, pecking at me like vultures seeking their pray.

Urgh. Was this Karma? I wanted to blame Karma, but I knew it couldn’t be Karma.

Devine intervention? Hmmm…

Stroke of bad luck? Nope. I have constant bad luck. Nevermind.

I didn’t want to face these thoughts at any cost. Yet, I somehow had to. The silence provided a good platform for it, and I had just been left to my own demise.

In a move unbeknownst to me, I started listening to them. Half of them weren’t that bad.

“If you get up earlier in the mornings, you could work in gym and a decent breakfast and get to work much earlier.”

“Smile a bit more. People might open up to you more.”

“Stop being such a control freak. You can’t control life. It’s not a machine or robot.”

“Seriously. Stop taking life so literally. You should be enjoying it more.”

Not all of them were gems, but I won’t be sprawling that across the internet.

It’s 9pm and my voice still hasn’t made a comeback yet. Not that I mind anymore. A sense of peace and relief has come over me…

…. I’ve become zen. A product of insanity?! Maybe? Yep. Could be.

The Dalai Lama would’ve been proud.

 

Listen to Lady Gaga’s Applause

Let me sing you the song of my fellow single people!

“We just clicked immediately. You know – that thing they called the spark. We had it.”

I stared at my phone and the text message in disgust and with the might of Thor I flung it across my bed, while I was shrieking like a banshee.

Another one bites the dust, I thought to myself.

It was not mere hours before that message, that another friend had changed her relationship status on Facebook to: “In a Relationship”.

To me, it was as if the universe had some rapid coupling speed taking place, and I was seemingly the only being left out of this game. Soon, the thought of me being picked last for a team during during PE, seemed less horrifying than being single for the rest of my life.

Let’s review the stats shall we.

Single for about 1 year, 6 months. Dates I’ve been on: Countless. Potential love interests: 0. But hey, for everything else there is MasterCard and the countless slips to prove how I’ve been trying to enjoy my singledom.

I know that my main aim for the year was to try and be with myself and discover myself, before I went about finding someone again.

BUT, we’re currently in the midst of a Cape Townian winter and on a cold night, like tonight, I’m in my double bed… Alone.

My Onesie may be able to keep me warm and cuddly and substitute the need for another human to cuddle with, but it’s times like these where people tell me they’ve met someone, that I want to run onto the highest mountain and scream louder than Ke$ha when she sings.

Yet…

Being single does have perks. I mean, seriously. Being able to live your life the way you want to, without any strings attached = INTENSE FUN AND PLEASURE!

It’s glorious and I don’t think words will ever be able to describe the intense pleasure of being able to hop in your car and go out partying till the wee hours of the morning, without having to worry about your a significant other.

Or when your friends moan and complain to you about a fight they had or how unhappy they are at times… That’s the point where I want to jump on the table and do a little happy dance. It’s like that meme: I’ve got 99 problems, and a bitch ain’t one of them.

Yet. What happens when I see them holding hands or staring at each other during a dinner date? I start to get all mushy in the center and crave my own person to stare at like they constantly do.

Cynical as I am, stubborn as I am, cold hearted as I am… I know I don’t want to be single forever. There’s this Afrikaans saying: Elke pot het ‘n deksel. Which roughly translates to: Everybody has a soulmate.

Yet, seemingly, my soulmate is stuck somewhere in a tree. In this modern day and age where it’s okay to use GPS to find your way, I would’ve assumed us to find each other by now.

Sigh.

Let me drag over the glass of wine and my endless collection of cartoons (read: romance movies)

.

Andy Warhol, you ‘ol son of gun…

“You have to be willing to get happy about nothing.”

This quote by Andy Warhol stopped me in my tracks. It’s one of this quotes you read and it slips of your tongue, while your mind is left to be blown away.

Why is it that we as humans always have to need something to be happy? Is it a primeval instinct that makes us crave this deeper appreciation? Is it that we need this to keep us going?

I sometimes wish I could have the answers to everything in life, but I do know that I hate having to need something to get happy over.

Yes. I need to get happy over new clothes. I need to get happy over a new song or artist I’ve discovered on the internet. I need to get happy over the sun rising everyday.

But, isn’t it what Andy Warhol is saying? Sometimes we just need to be willing to get happy over nothing.

Instead of waiting for something to get happy over, I’ll just get happy over nothing.

I’m more than willing to do this and stop expecting too much of live.

KISS… Keeping it simple, Stupid.

Goodbye July…

July was a crappy month.

I could sugar coat it and tell you it was an okay month, but it would be pointless to lie… And well. My entry is about July. So it would be defeating the purpose.

You know when you get those months in a year where everything is in transition and changes just happens, smack dab, in one week or over the course of four? Well, July happened to be one of those months.

In July my faith got tested to the extreme. I found myself having to sit down and ask God: Why are you doing this? Only to receive the answer: To test your faith.

I have blind courage, but after a while, faith was lacking and the courage was no where to be found.

So, in a nutshell… My best friend’s love of her life passed away. It was sudden and a shock to us all. In an instant he was ripped away from everybody he loved. It was like as if my instincts reacted faster than ever when I heard the news. I knew she needed me and I was there for her.

It was a horrible time. I had to see one of my soul sisters breaking into pieces and I could do nothing to stop it or fix her. To me, this shook me to my core. I am ALWAYS able to help my friends, but now I can’t. All I can still do is just be there and lend my shoulder to her.

Soon, my mother was admitted to hospital again with her continuous health problems. This was the numerous visit to a hospital this year for my mom, and by this time I was over it. She was not getting any better and I had to see her waste away before my eyes. The stress of having to know that the doctor will be performing a complex surgery with huge risks on someone you love dearly, taps you out. I can say with honesty that I think I know what insomnia is.

Then work started becoming a bit too much. I found myself buckling under the pressure of  deadlines and demanding clients. My work was falling under scrutiny and the tiredness after every day grew bigger and bigger.

After my Mom got home, another of my best friend’s grandfather got admitted to hospital for serious health problems as well. Soon, doctors were telling her family that he was too critical and that they had too prepare themselves for the worst. Everybody started praying and after many prayers a miracle happened. He somehow got better.

In a way… July was a month that test me at most. Apart from these three major crisis’s, my personal life also took a knock. Some serious questions were raised and some answers to my prayers came and gone at the same time.

It was as though with each blessing, came something bittersweet.

When I marked down 31 July on my calender, I stumbled upon a quote from Thomas Jefferson: When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Somehow, I seemingly had reached the end of my rope emotionally, but in a way, I tied many knots and I was clinging to it for dear life.

And now, on a Friday night, I’m in bed with a glass of wine and venting on my personal space about the crappy month I had.

It’s total bliss to me and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but I’m also avoiding some other problems that I could leave behind in July.

As much as I want to say Goodbye July, August brings with it some baggage and more time to sort through it.

*sip sip*…. I only wish wine could fix everything.