Caution – Landmine ahead

In a blur, almost 31 days of the first month of 2015 had passed by and I was still reeling and trying to hold on for dear life. This year had started with a bang and
I was probably still in perpetual bomb shock from the event. It still didn’t seem like a month later. Wasn’t it still New Year’s Eve?

Facing a stark reality, I was facing another one that was looming around the corner: Valentine’s Day. February the 14’th was less than a month away and in my current state this was even more of a shock to me. The day I had been fearing is rapidly approaching and I had no idea to cope with with might come, follow or happen on that doomed day.

A year ago I was in a relationship, happy, content and enjoying the company of the most wonderful guy. Now, I’m “widowed”, alone and partying up a storm around town. What a stark constrast and a prospect that could have anyone facing Valentine’s Day in the face think of emptying a bar just to numb the pain.

Fuck.

It’s 8 months later since R passed away and after a brief hiatus I’m back on the blogosphere to type away my feelings. Since my previous blog, lots has changed up inside my head. The emotional rollercoaster I’m still on seemed to have reached a brief pause and everything I was feeling has slipped away into thin air. The anger and resentment has now moved out momentarily and made place for a little of the Old David to just reclaim some normalcy and stability to his life. My life.

Somehow this had become my window to the world around me, magnifying it’s gaze on the empty shell that has been left to fend for itself since R comitted suicide. For the first time in a while I was asking myself: What is it you’re planning on doing now? A question with no easy answer, but one I was willing to investigate for sure.

This whole new outlook had something to do with the fact that it was a new year where I could embrace some sort of new beginning and leave a huge chunk of what had happened last year in the past and start writing off that chapter as a loss. Although I have not made much progress on adopting a new plan, New Year – New David, I had begun thinking what it is I want to get out of this new year and that alone seems good enough to me. The actual challenge was now to put this over in actions…

But why was I mortified by Valentine’s Day, you might wonder. Well… It’s not the fact that I’d be spending it alone as so much as being reminded of the fact that I was with R last year and now I’m not. It felt to me as if this reminder alone would halter the plans I was trying to put into motion to move on and reclaim a bit of my life back.

In each time period, there was a certain event or date that would seem like a landmine in my road to reclaiming myself, that would pop up and blow up in my face and also blow up any progress I’ve made. Each time I was left to just pick myself and the pieces of my heart that I had been carrying around and just try and venture on again.

You might notice why I’m scared shitless of Valentine’s Day aproaching… This progress I’ve made, that was so valuable to me, was going to be blown to smithereens and I would have to head back to the drawing board again, just to have the next big reminder and date explode in my face.

Another startling realisation: I’ve hence become scared of living. Hideaways and secret forts has become my solitude, keeping me safe and cushioning the nasty blow
each time. But, being so safe each time is what has been irritating me and pushing me to start making new plans and think of myself again. Was I being a misogynist? Was I doing this to myself and was I stuck in a viscious circle?

What I knew was: I hated being safe and hiding, making excuses and lying.

All I wanted and needed to do was to wear my scars with pride and keep my head held high. And with each landmine, I just need to keep going and leave whatever plans and progress I’ve made that’s been blow to pieces and just keep rolling with the punches.

It was maybe easier said than done, but I was done of hiding from life.

Life, with it’s drama’s, up’s, down’s and flair was something I was missing out on and the one thing I cried about really hard these last few weeks. I’ve mourned a dead boyfriend – I didn’t want to mourn the loss of my life as well.

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It was just another Thursday…

14 February. Look it up. It was just another Thursday on the calender of 2013.

People woke up to the much grim news on most television networks and media outlets on Thursday morning that Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius had been arrested in connection with the shooting of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.

Others however, woke up to their significant other bringing them breakfast in bed or being surprised with a text or phone call from the love of their lives, to wish them a “Happy Valentines Day”.

I however woke up, got dressed and went to work.

It was just another Thursday, and a hectic one at it. We had to cover the drama surrounding Oscar Pistorius (we mostly went with Reeva as she was more our angle), and do some other entertainment stories in between.

Then there was me organising some social mixers for the weekend and replying to the constant messages coming trough on my Blackberry.

Man, this day was hectic. It felt like a bit too much at times. And I think my head agreed.

It was just another Thursday.

After work, I had some leftovers from the previous evening, had a chat with my dad, watch some news on the telly for a while, and then my Mom and I finished up for our movie night.

We went to watch The Impossible (highly recommendable movie BTW) and we ended it with a nice cup of coffee before bed.

It was just another day…

So, before I am slammed by many for being against Valentines Day, let me be quick to point out that I do not have any problem with people who celebrate it.

I just prefer not to think that it’s a day meant to celebrate your hopeless crush on someone or spoil your significant other for the first time in a while.

Did I have a bad experience on Valentines Day? Yes. Did this taint me forever? No.

Just like some religions celebrate their own religious holidays in peace, I left many love struck people to celebrate Valentines Day in peace.

Did I get a Valentines message? I did.

You see. The thing is, we have blown events like Valentines Day way out of proportion. Commercialised it to our own benefit and gain. The true meaning has been lost.

My boss Sam, taught me what Lent is all about this week. BTW: She’s giving up chocolates, something I could never do, so I have to commend her for that.

After she taught me what she could about lent, I sat down and thought: Why is it that events like Lent aren’t given as much attention like Valentines Day? Why is the beginning of Lent, also know as Ash Wednesday, just another day on the calender to most? Something seemed horribly wrong with this.

Fine. We as humans have fulfilled ourselves with greed and other lustful pleasures, but seriously. Priorities do exist right? Have I missed something?!

All in all, 14 February was just another day on the calender for me. Commercialised at most, not even less than a “stupid” holiday in the back of my mind.

But, next year, I will most certainly be taking more notice of days such as Ash Wednesday, Ramadan, the Chinese New Year and Yom Kippur, who do not receive any attention, but conveys more message and true meaning than Valentines Day.

Oh, and by the way. I enjoyed my Thursday, thank you very much 😉

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