Reflections

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It’s been a constant thing this past year and a bit: Me looking in the mirror, staring at the person in it and not remotely recognising him.

It happened shortly after R’s suicide. When I lost a great part of myself. I would catch a glimpse of this person in the mirror and feel the chills run down my spine. I didn’t know who this person was anymore – and this was scarier than hell.

So, it’s safe to assume that I avoided a mirror as best I could wherever I would go. I was not up for the reminder that I was not the same person anymore.

Needless to say, my style and appearance fell a bit down a hill and soon I had to overcome this fear and stare into a mirror again. The same stranger was staring back at me, but at least his hair looked kept and his beard was trimmed neatly.

This continued. I had an understanding with this stranger in the mirror. I wouldn’t stare to long and avoided the dead eyes, while I would do my thing and go about my day.

Time passed by and soon I became comfortable with this stranger. But soon, he wasn’t a stranger anymore. I recognised him as the person who now was – not the one I remembered and wouldn’t be.

It’s been quite some time, but yesterday I woke up, walked to the bathroom and stared at this person in the mirror.

For the first time I didn’t avoid the eyes and I stared deeply into them. Somewhere far in them, a flicker of fire was burning. Small. But it was there. It was the first time in a while that I stared at this person and saw something that I had in common with him. We both might be so damaged inside, but there’ll always be a fire burning inside us that can’t be extinguished. I did the most impossible thing I didn’t think I would do next: I introduced myself to this person staring back at me in the mirror.

Through these past weeks I’ve faced a heartbreak, reliving ghosts of a loved one that has passed, demons inside my head and the terror of the dark side of this world. But, there was still a fire burning deep inside me.

The honest truth is: I will never be the same. Holding onto a hope that some version of the old me would return is now buried. I’m a new me – this is a rebirth of sorts. By taking all this pain I’ve endured, I’m just going to become a better version of myself.

I’ve only wanted one thing for this year. Only one resolution: To fall in love with myself again. I might have lost sight of it and took a detour, but this detour brought me to a point where I’m so much stronger now. And I’m finally opening my heart to the one person that really deserves it: Me.

Should you find yourself at a point in life where you’re at a low, shut out the world, reflect inwards and listen to your inner voice. Open your heart to yourself and be kind to that person trying to reach out. Always love yourself and always have your own back.

This in it’s own is enough to give you strength to face what ever troubles you need to face.

In the words made famous by The Help: You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

Love yourself.

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I look up to you…

In my life, I’ve come to learn not to live up to expectations of having a role model or someone I look up to… 

It’s a sad truth, but I always get disappointed and I guess my heart and head’s been doing this thing where it just doesn’t want to look to someone for strength anymore. Basic survival? Was I being subconsciously smart?

Through all these disappointments, I’ve had myself to rely on. At times, I also disappointed myself, but I had enough understanding to know I’m just stumbling and learning the lay of the land.

With this realisation, I also became a bit more understanding of humanity. My trust was built up a bit more, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t look up to just anyone again.

And today, I do look up to someone again – with utmost praise, love, adoration and understanding.

She’s been in my life for about 4 years now, but it really feels like a life time of memories and inspiration I have come to share with her.

I’ve had a lot of firsts with her and a lot of heart to hearts, tears and laughs. And if you were to ask me now, what I’d never want to lose, it would be these memories.

To say that she’s changed my life, would be a great injustice and a major understatement. She’s not changed my life, but to simply put it, enriched it.

There’s this old proverb that speaks of God sending people over your path in life for a reason. I believe He send her over my path for a reason and ’cause he knew I would need a friend like her. (Now no one can never say he doesn’t look out for us! Myth Busted!)

I’ve been through a lot of tough times in my life. Loads of crap and loads of struggles where I literally had to drag myself along. Somehow I’ve always made it through.

But whenever I have a problem these days, I look up to my friend. I use her as my inspiration to make it through troubles.

Meghan…

You’ll never probably get to know what you’ve meant to me in my life, cause words alone can’t express it. Words alone is too weak to express the gratitude, love and pride I feel for you.

You’ve overcome a lot in your life and today you stand tall. You’re a force to be reckoned with and a force that’s unstoppable.  And most important of all, you’re a light that shines and lights the way for others.

I can only hope to be more like you one day. Have more compassion and adoration for life like you do. Love music, books and TV shows like you do. Interact with people the way you do. And love the way you do…

You’re always there for everybody no matter what. Even if you just have a second to give to someone, you do. And you never expect anything in return – a lesson most people in life seem to miss.

I’ve encountered a lot of strong people in my life, but when I look at how strong and silent you are, I’m in awe once again.

Thank you for having made this impact in my life. You will never know how much it means to me.

I will always look up to you.

Love you

Your Tweeling

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