Caution – Landmine ahead

In a blur, almost 31 days of the first month of 2015 had passed by and I was still reeling and trying to hold on for dear life. This year had started with a bang and
I was probably still in perpetual bomb shock from the event. It still didn’t seem like a month later. Wasn’t it still New Year’s Eve?

Facing a stark reality, I was facing another one that was looming around the corner: Valentine’s Day. February the 14’th was less than a month away and in my current state this was even more of a shock to me. The day I had been fearing is rapidly approaching and I had no idea to cope with with might come, follow or happen on that doomed day.

A year ago I was in a relationship, happy, content and enjoying the company of the most wonderful guy. Now, I’m “widowed”, alone and partying up a storm around town. What a stark constrast and a prospect that could have anyone facing Valentine’s Day in the face think of emptying a bar just to numb the pain.

Fuck.

It’s 8 months later since R passed away and after a brief hiatus I’m back on the blogosphere to type away my feelings. Since my previous blog, lots has changed up inside my head. The emotional rollercoaster I’m still on seemed to have reached a brief pause and everything I was feeling has slipped away into thin air. The anger and resentment has now moved out momentarily and made place for a little of the Old David to just reclaim some normalcy and stability to his life. My life.

Somehow this had become my window to the world around me, magnifying it’s gaze on the empty shell that has been left to fend for itself since R comitted suicide. For the first time in a while I was asking myself: What is it you’re planning on doing now? A question with no easy answer, but one I was willing to investigate for sure.

This whole new outlook had something to do with the fact that it was a new year where I could embrace some sort of new beginning and leave a huge chunk of what had happened last year in the past and start writing off that chapter as a loss. Although I have not made much progress on adopting a new plan, New Year – New David, I had begun thinking what it is I want to get out of this new year and that alone seems good enough to me. The actual challenge was now to put this over in actions…

But why was I mortified by Valentine’s Day, you might wonder. Well… It’s not the fact that I’d be spending it alone as so much as being reminded of the fact that I was with R last year and now I’m not. It felt to me as if this reminder alone would halter the plans I was trying to put into motion to move on and reclaim a bit of my life back.

In each time period, there was a certain event or date that would seem like a landmine in my road to reclaiming myself, that would pop up and blow up in my face and also blow up any progress I’ve made. Each time I was left to just pick myself and the pieces of my heart that I had been carrying around and just try and venture on again.

You might notice why I’m scared shitless of Valentine’s Day aproaching… This progress I’ve made, that was so valuable to me, was going to be blown to smithereens and I would have to head back to the drawing board again, just to have the next big reminder and date explode in my face.

Another startling realisation: I’ve hence become scared of living. Hideaways and secret forts has become my solitude, keeping me safe and cushioning the nasty blow
each time. But, being so safe each time is what has been irritating me and pushing me to start making new plans and think of myself again. Was I being a misogynist? Was I doing this to myself and was I stuck in a viscious circle?

What I knew was: I hated being safe and hiding, making excuses and lying.

All I wanted and needed to do was to wear my scars with pride and keep my head held high. And with each landmine, I just need to keep going and leave whatever plans and progress I’ve made that’s been blow to pieces and just keep rolling with the punches.

It was maybe easier said than done, but I was done of hiding from life.

Life, with it’s drama’s, up’s, down’s and flair was something I was missing out on and the one thing I cried about really hard these last few weeks. I’ve mourned a dead boyfriend – I didn’t want to mourn the loss of my life as well.

Advertisements

2014: Page 8 of 365

A very happy new year to all my fellow bloggers. We survived another year and we saw the dawn of a new one – and it’s not an unlucky number.

Today, we stand on Page 8 of this this new year’s clean slate. Thinking about it, it seems like a long road we have ahead of us. But, it’s already 8 days down the drain and 8 days where one should have embraced the new year for what it is and could be.

In a new outlook, I decided not to look towards the future anymore and take everything for the here and now. Living in the present, one might also call it.

In December, it worked for me. Living in the here and now provided me with some space to deal with everything that was happening now and not jump my thoughts towards the unknown abyss (or the future as one might call it). It was also loads of less stress I had to deal with. It also gave me some hope for 2014 – maybe things will actually be better…

But, my words were barely spoken and the first crisis’ of 2014 popped up.

And this within the first 3 days of the new year. I mean, seriously? Really?

I thought back to last year where at the same time I was surrounded by drama with friends and I made the best decision to just simply cut it out and ignore it as such and take it for what it is and might be.

After the crisis’ dissipated and I got all the advice I needed, I sat down and made another decision: Stop stressing over that what you can’t control.

It is a trait that I’ve inherited from my mother: being a total control freak. And watching her going overboard and sometimes wrecking situations and people with that behaviour, I decided it would be better to let that part of me go.

And boy. After deciding to that, it was like an immense weight was lifted off my shoulders.

The proverbial saying goes: Worrying is like a rocking chair. It will get you know where, but it will keep you busy by wasting your own time. 

For 2014, I need to invest my time more wisely into situations and people that deserve it more. Forgotten are the days where I would try to control everything and stress over every small detail in my life. A needed reinvested into my life was needed and 2014 would be providing the perfect platform for me to change this.

People love making new years resolutions, but I don’t easily fall into that bad habit. Just like rules, resolutions are meant to be broken. And why do you have to have everything figured out a year in advance when we all know things won’t end up like you imagine to end up. Truth.

Already 8 pages are done and dusted. But, let it be know: 2014 is going to be my year and I plan on making it happen. Watch this space…

Image