Something better

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A gaping hole. That’s what it was. And when something came along, she used that to fill the hole. Everything was complete. The puzzle was complete. Or was it?

Unbeknownst to her, it was a temporary fix. Her heart got broken, the puzzle piece fell out and she felt empty again. She scrambled to the people in her life for help. They stood by, wiped off the tears and offered kind and caring words of comfort. They wrapped her tightly in cotton wool, protecting her against the inevitable risk of a Big Bad Wolf.

This cycle continued. Viciously.

Each time she’d find something new and forgot about the ones who protected her, built her up and made her feel loved. She’d found her above all-end all. Her alpha, her omega. The promises that she would focus on herself and her friends from there on out, was as left behind as the dreams she once had as a child.

Her friends, protectors and confidants waited in the shadows each time to catch her, when she fell. Again.

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Ladies and gentleman. It irks me that I have to resort to imagery and metaphors to explain how hurt I am at the moment. I so wish this safe space I have created for myself could become one where I could voice the harsh situation in my life at the moment, but being a skilled writer, I’ll mask it.

You see: I’ve just cut ties with a dear friend. She doesn’t know it yet, but I need her to see this for herself.

For once, I’m done being that friend who stands by someone when their heart is broken, but when they find someone new, I’m nothing less than a blank piece of paper. A zero. I’ve done it too much, and I’ve decided that it’s finally time my self-worth becomes something that needs to be more important than wasting time on a selfish, wavering and insecure little girl.

I am thankful for the times, memories and help this friend has offered me, but she’s finally just sent me over the edge. While beckoning with me that I’m the one who shuts her out, never shares anything with her or involve her in my life (all illogical conclusions by the way…), she does the exact same to me, without batting a lash. I kid you not…  #ohtheshame

I pride myself on friends and have always had a vast group of people who I have surrounded myself with. It’s been the one thing I kept dear and close to me. But, with me getting my life on track, being a little more selfish and standing back more, I’ve noticed this circle shrink down a lot. And I’m okay with that.

You see, just as she has seeked out something better, I too am seeking out something better. The only difference is that she’s seeked out something temporary and shallow, while I’m seeking out something more substantial and permanent.

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I do not wish her bad or any hurt. No sharp edged daggers in her back. Zero bad luck. I only wish her the best.

The only thing is that when her heart crashes to the ground this time, I won’t be there to help her pick up the pieces. If this makes me an asshole, so be it. If I’m in the wrong here. Then I’ll be. But, somewhere along the line you need to remove yourself from situations in life where some people only take and take too much, than they ever give you in return.

If you could throw me away so easily, I can walk away just as easily.

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