I’m sorry

I’m sorry.

With these two words, dear fellow bloggers, I’d like to apologise for my silence these past couple of weeks. In short: life got the upper hand this time. And my head’s been a mess – a mess I can’t afford to be capable of creating posts for this site.

To catch you up…

I met someone new.

After R’s death last year, I didn’t think I would ever fall in love with someone again, nor be capable of trying to pursue something romantic at the least. But it was like a semi-drunk, fully hungover student trying to write a test: magical.

J walked into my life around February this year. He was the perfect gentleman, well spoken, someone with a soft heart and the most delightful manners – a complete 180 degrees from the most guys I’ve dated before.

It all started out with a simple comment on my one photo on Instagram, which later led to an inbox message and subsequently us exchanging numbers and started to chat on Whatsapp. A wonderful friendship formed, where we could literally speak for hours on end about anything and everything.

After a few months we finally met – it was at the KKNK in Oudtshoorn in April where we had a quick lunch for an hour. The conversation flowed and it was like we have known each other for ages. Something sparked when we said goodbye to each other – to this day I don’t really know if this was when I realised I had a crush on him or if it was when I knew that he had crept into my heart within a short amount of time.

Naturally this scared the living daylights out of me. Me, falling for someone again? (queue Jaws-esque music playing in the background).

But, as life has it, you never really get to control your emotions and what path destiny has set out for you. I had no control over the next visit from him in Cape Town (he’s from Gauteng), no control over me feeling a bit more whole with him, no control over the butterflies that erupted in my tummy after our first kiss. I had no control: and I loved it. For a control freak like myself it was absolute chaos, but for the first time in my life I stood back and just left life do what needed to be done.

What also happened during this time was J’s ability to walk in at moments of chaos in my head, calm the storm and make me realise that I was strong enough to deal with everything and that I was an amazing person. Never before had I dated someone who would uplift me like this – it was a good feeling to finally have a partner in crime who could lift you on their shoulders and make you feel like what you were worth.

Finally I was able to run past the dark tunnel I had been trotting along with after R’s death. J brought the light to the end of the tunnel into perspective, made the view possible and equipped me with strength to stand atop the hill and see the dawn of a new day.

He saved me. An unlikely Prince Charming.

Although he claims I saved myself, I know he reached down and pulled me from the dark, cold waters of self-destruction I was heading down. He was like a breath of fresh air.

But, this fairy tale does not have a happy ending.

I wish it had though. Some of you must be reading this, thinking: Can the universe cut him a break, already?! To which I respond: Maybe the universe isn’t ready to give me that break yet, guys…

J and I had a bit of tumultuous falling out – things were said, realisations were said aloud and reality broke past our bubble we had been basking in.

He couldn’t give me more than I wanted.

I wanted more, but was still too guarded and closed off from R’s death.

For weeks we tried to circumnavigate this territory of going back to being friends, leaving the ideal and hope of relationship behind and straying away from being strangers. It was not the easiest time – hence the silence.

If you all really knew what’s been walking through my mind these past months, you’d hit unfollow or try to have me institutionalised.

For now, I’m breaking the silence and saying sorry. Sorry to you all, but mostly sorry to myself.

I’m sorry I disappointed myself again. I’m sorry I let the last pieces of my broken heart, get broken even more. I’m sorry I didn’t love myself enough to save myself. I’m sorry I didn’t love myself.

A very profound quote that has stuck with me in these past days is one by my favourite author, Liz Gilbert. “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the path to transformation.”

Smile like you mean it: Eat,Pray,Love

At this point where my heart is virtually severed, my head more confused than ever, and the battle with who I am and need to be still raging on, I recognise this as ruin.

You see, the beautiful thing of my life being in ruin, is that I can now start from scratch again. Build something spectacular. This time, I will do it on my own. No saviours. No Prince Charmings.

I’d like to invite you all to join me on this new journey. I will be blogging about every step along the way and every new twist and turn – ’cause for the first time in my life, it will be just me, myself and I.

It’s a daunting thought – I’ve always been between love interests or heartbreaks, but never really with myself. I’ve never really had my own back or even trusted myself. I’ve never really been confident to speak up when asked who I am really. Never have I ever really loved myself.

For now, let’s together divulge in the single life. Let’s see what the world has to offer. Let’s create an unstoppable force. Let me create someone who everybody wishes to be with.

Some of you who’ve been following me for a while now, might be thinking: We’ve been here before. What’s new. This is old hat. Why do you keep repeating history?

I can only tell you: Stick with me. This adventure is going to be one for the books.

First blog in about a month, but I’m pretty sure this one will make up for all the one’s I may have missed over the past weeks.

So, in this blog post, I want to stand still at the critical issues of dating.

Yes. Me, the famed person who does not talk out about dating or love that often, is actually going to do a post this week about the lay of the land most of us have experienced.

During the rainy long weekend, I had a chance to curl up in bed with Liz Gilbert’s follow up novel to Eat, Pray, Love – Committed.

It’s been a slow work in progress for me to finish the book. Let’s say about a year or so…

But in this book, Liz is back and she busts some pretty awesome myths surrounding marriage and dating.

And this stuck with me for quite some time after I finished the last page: Why do we tend to overcomplicate things when it comes to dating?!

Is it because we are fragile human beings who’ve been hurt too often and find the compulsive need to jumble everything into a complicated maths equation that we can’t solve, or does it just turn out to become a problem that we over-analyse?

Look, it’s hard trying to tell yourself: Keep it Simple Stupid. But we as humans just love to complicate things for ourselves.

Why? I don’t know. Yet…

In her book, Liz sets out to sort out this complicated equation that she’s being posed, and manages to declutter things for herself.

This, showed me, that I too can take control of my screwed up dating life and declutter things for myself.

When you don’t call or text me back, I won’t go down the spiralling slide of panic and paranoia. I will instead assume that you’ve been abducted by aliens, and will reach out to me in due course or when possible.

If you say something, with a huge question mark attached to it, I will not pose my journalistic side and bombard you. Instead, I will opt to nod and wait till you give me the answers on a silver platter.

And, if you choose to break things off with me, not to my face, but through a distant attitude, I will promptly take rejection for its worth and move on swiftly.

My Keep It Simple Stupid-plan just got some new rules, and I’m pretty sure those of you reading this blog post, just realised that you need to calm the hell down when it comes to your intrepid dating life filled with turmoil and constant troubles.

Declutter the shit out your dating life and find a way to make things simple for yourself.

If you want a boyfriend, go on dates, but don’t create high expectations for yourself.

If you want a fling – have a fling, but don’t lead someone on.

If you want a husband – then you probably need to chill and start by finding a boyfriend.

Create a new plan of action for yourself and remember folks: Keep it Simple Stupid.Image