Happy December my fellow bloggers. We’ve made it – and now it’s that time of the year where we get to reward ourselves for valiantly fighting through a tumultuous 2015.
Today’s post is a little bit of a PSA. You see, after my last post, I received a rather peculiar email from a reader (whom I’ll not refer to by name), who asked me a rather fetching question that sparked a little revolution in my head.
I have to say, it caught me off guard and I really didn’t expect to even get a mail from a reader. (I think of my blog as this small recluse on the world wide web where a few other travelers stumble upon it and read my crazy ramblings.)
Nonetheless, I give you an excerpt from the mail:
I know you must get a lot of mails regarding your blog. You have a peculiar sense of writing and it’s filled with lots of raw emotion. I don’t really see it as good writing, but writing nonetheless. Writing that on its own has an audience. But yes. I digress from that.
You see, I’ve read all about your broken heart and how ‘R’ and ‘J’ has gone to break off parts of you that have undoubtedly left you lost and seeking something. How you’ve jumped the hurdle of R’s suicide and how you’ve begun climbing the mountain after your recent heartbreak.
That’s good and all, but I really want to know: Do you hate them?
Surely you should, right? They hurt you and they’ve taken you apart piece by piece. Why are you being false and lying about your emotions? I can really pick up the lies and deceit you’ve spun yourself – and I’d much rather see you calling them out on hurting you. Hate might be a strong emotion, but it’s much healthier to get out of your system than bitching about them for breaking your heart.
All I want to know is: Will you ever publicly admit you hate them?”
So, my fellow bloggers. The mail does go on and on and on and on and on… But, that excerpt is the core of my PSA.
Yes, I have and do continue to write about my heartache and heartbreaks. This blog, as I have stated before, is some form of an escape for me to divulge the deepest emotions of things in my life. I know it might get overbearing at times, but I do like to believe that grief, heartbreak, pain AND most importantly love is the one thing that connects us as human beings. This common thread draws us all together in some deeper understanding of what it is to have lost in love and life. This is why my blog is on the internet: it’s a sanctuary for us all to understand and to have an A-HA-moment if you’re experiencing the same situation in your life.
But, back to the important point: Do I hate ‘R’ and ‘J’?
As I have stated repeatedly – R’s story in my life is one that has no black or white area. There is so much grey that it’s enough to make the best artist go crazy, shouting: What a monotonous mess! It’s from Day 1 been my grief, my pain and my anger. These all come and go at times. Yes, I have hated him – so much so that I’ve wished him back to life in my head, just to want to strangle him to death again. But, for me to live my life now and let go of all the pain and crap that happened to me, I am in the process of forgiving him for what he’s done. Truth is, I have hated him and sometimes do find myself hating him for what he’s done, but it’s always been a rocking chair that takes me nowhere. I’ve instead chosen to take the high road from here on out and send a little love and light to him each time I find myself edging closer towards hate for him. And I have to say – it’s been productive and helped me heal. Which is the most important fact.
As for J. I can’t hate him. What transpired between us was the culmination of things that went haywire. It truly was an instance of “Right person, wrong time”. I do still have a strong love for him and even though things didn’t go as we both planned, it’s still life. I’ve lost someone before and I really did have a good friendship with J. I can’t hate him as much as I want to. And I really have no reason to. He did come into my life at a good time and really pulled off a miracle by helping me reflect on some issues, return back to myself, who I am and who I could be. It would have been totally different if he gave me a reason to hate him, but he didn’t. It really was a situation where two people loved each other dearly, but both of them really were in bad spots, so much so that it was becoming destructive and damaging. We did each other a favour. In actual fact, he should hate me more than I should hate him. But this wouldn’t fix anything.
So, my dear reader who question why I don’t hate J and that I should: When you mature, you’ll understand that in this world, all of us just need to be a little kinder to each other, as we are all fighting the same battles. A world based on hatred never did anyone good (calling up WW1 & 2 as well as the recent terror attacks in Paris).
As you digressed from the quality of my writing, I digress from your lack of insight into my life. This PSA was simply just to show you that even at my worst, I can and always will be classy as fuck. Taking the moral high road is something that builds character – the one thing I pride my blog on being. Show me one blog that does what I do with a moral high ground, and I’ll chew on my words. But as long as I live, I’ll always try and see the lighter side of things. Not only for my own sanity, but to remind everyone else that it’s always the darkest before the dawn.